Breaking My Heart Read online

  “Ladies and gentlemen it has come to the formal side of the evening and first up is the best man Kade Thomas with his speech,” the mc once again announces.

  A table of rowdy guys all cheer for Kade as he stands, obviously the school mates I’m yet to meet. He walks over to the microphone and my heart is pounding, seeing him in that suit looking so sophisticated is a big turn on. He looks so elegant, for a tradie and surfer that is anyway.

  “Hi guys I’m Kade, thanks for coming to Pete and Emma’s wedding. It has gone off without any dramas which is always a bonus for a wedding,” he declares smiling. “I just have to say how stunning Emma looks today and also Kiah the matron of honour looks beautiful too ,” he adds cheerfully. I know this is the usual for weddings so I’m not offended by his compliment and it’s the truth.

  I am going to make this short and sweet. I have known Pete since we were thirteen, that is ten long years and there are some 101 stories I could tell you, but one ripper comes to mind.

  A boy’s weekend in Queensland and being his usual rowdy self, Pete gets us kicked out of a pub. He is still drinking his schooner of beer and tries to escape with his glass. Of course the bouncers are not impressed, so good old Pete or Maverick as I call him does a runner with a glass schooner half full of beer, taking off down the street. The bouncer chases him and it ends with him covered in beer and grazed and a dislocated finger. Funniest thing I have ever seen. So Pete I bought you a ten pack of your own schooner glasses so you’ll never have to steal one again,” Kade adds and the room roars with laughter.

  “On a more serious note, Pete and Emma have been like a second family to me, best mates and a fantastic couple. I know they will be together forever. Congrats guys,” Kade declares sounding emotional and happy for his two friends. Pete stands and they shake hands and hug. Emma hugs Kade and kisses his cheek. I can see the tears running down her cheeks.

  “Okay so it’s the groom’s turn, please welcome Pete Conway to the microphone,” announces the mc.

  I have never seen Pete so white. Shit, the nerves have set in that’s for sure. “Bear with me guys I hate this shit,” Pete declares in the microphone as everyone cracks up laughing.

  Pete fumbles with the paper he has written his speech on.

  “Thanks to everyone for coming today, we have had a ball, a special thanks to my Nan Audrey for being here and to Emma’s cousins all the way from New Zealand, it’s much appreciated,” he proclaims to them sweetly. “To Kiah the matron of honour, thank you for everything you have done leading up to today, Emma is forever grateful and you look radiant,” Pete acknowledges and nods to her smiling.

  “To my wingman and best mate Kade, thanks for being here today and every day, a decade as mates, here’s to another decade,” he declares and raises his glass to Kade, he clings his glass to his.

  “Now last but not least my absolutely beautiful, gorgeous, glowing wife Emma. You are my soul mate, lover and now my wife. I am honoured to have you become Mrs. Conway and share our lives together. I love you always and forever,” Pete says so sincerely and with such heart felt emotion and love straight from his heart. I feel a tear slide down my cheek it is so beautiful.

  “That’s was so well said,” Ebony declares to me and I look to her and we both laugh, both of us are crying and emotional. Emma stands and throws her arms around Pete; she is crying and now overcome from Pete’s words. They embrace and kiss. I look to Kade who is looking at me, I wish he was here to hold my hand, I need his touch. I smile at him; he smiles back and looks back to his friends. Damn I wish I knew what he was thinking.

  There is a break of the formalities quite a few people dancing now, I grab Ebony’s hand and drag her to dance with me, it’s all getting too much just sitting and listening. Bruno Mars’ ‘Marry You’ comes on and it’s got a great beat, I feel the champagne and I’m starting to relax and enjoy myself. I see John and Kade coming our way so they join us for a boogie, three songs later its cake time.

  Emma has excelled with the beautiful three tier cake. It is white with pink roses piped around each tier. Whilst cutting the cake I hear Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I do) I do it For You’. Oh man this is a special song; I have always loved it, definitely perfect for a wedding. I decide to store it in my memory for my special day. Emma rubs cake into Pete’s face after they cut the cake, then he kisses her making her face covered as well. Humorous to watch.

  Now it’s straight into the waltz and first dance as bride and groom to ‘ Can’t Help Falling in Love’ by Elvis Presley. Another sweet and romantic song.

  Kade and Kiah join them on the dance floor and even the cute flower girl and page boy looking much more tired than earlier. Then it’s Emma’s mum and dad and Pete’s parents.

  I watch Kade and he is chatting to Kiah, they don’t seem to be awkward...

  Um he better be asking me to dance very soon or I might crack it, is the last thing my mind thinks before I notice others joining them dancing. John and Ebony head out there too, so sweet. I turn around and scull my champagne.

  “Any chance you wanna dance with me sexy lady?” Kade’s husky voice appears from behind me. I instantly smirk and turn.

  “I thought you’d never ask,” I answer him without hesitation. He grabs my hand and I feel that familiar spark ignite between us. He takes me out to the dance floor as my favourite Twilight song comes on ‘A Thousand Years’. He wraps his arms around me pulling me in close; I kiss him as I can’t stand to be away from him any longer. He kisses me back.

  “You enjoying yourself Rox?” he questions slurring slightly but sounding sweet.

  “Yep it’s a great wedding that’s for sure, but I miss you,” I say sweetly.

  “The next dance is for Emma and her Father Charles,” the mc announces as ‘Butterfly Kisses’ starts to play.

  We all take a seat and Kade follows me and sits in my chair and I sit on his lap, finally feeling closer to my baby. I look to Emma and her father and start to feel upset my emotions run wild; he has his arms around her in a loving embrace between a father and a daughter. I think back to a time I sat on my father’s knee watching television. I know he had short brown hair and I get my thin straight hair from him, he had brown eyes and I do remember him giving me affection and being loving to me.

  Just not towards my mother.

  Of course being here brings up emotions about how I would want my wedding day.

  Sitting on Kade’s lap I rub his hand and squeeze. “This wedding is perfect, I would want something similar for my wedding day, I’m kinda traditional when it comes to this crap baby,” I confess to him sweetly. He gives me a serious expression. It is priceless. I should take that as a warning and stop while I’m ahead but I don’t. “I would definitely be having Jemma as a bridesmaid,” I add realising the champagne might be talking for me. Kade looks at me puzzled. Actually he freaks.

  “Why are you talking about that Roxy?” he queries me seriously.

  “Well I’m female and we all dream of a white wedding, and yours and mine will be magical,” I add warmly and instantly regret it. Fuck.

  “Rox I am not ready and not wanting to get married for at least five years,” he tells me quite stern looking. Actually I think he is warning me. With the look don’t you dare expect a ring before five years, more like married in seven?

  “Really it would be that far away?” I ask now unsure of his response.

  “Don’t you feel that if you get past thirty it will all get harder? I mean with kids and all,” I say, wondering if I should have said the kid’s word.

  “Ten years at least for kids Rox, they are hand breaks to me, how could I go surfing whenever I want, what if I make it pro? We could never go out for dinners and imagine being hung over and still having to be responsible. Shit. It hurts my head just thinking about it,” he adds to top off the surprising response that has taken all air from my lungs.

  I feel frustrated as this has never come up before. Are we really on such different levels and wave lengt
hs when it comes to marriage and kids?

  I am confused. I mean if someone had talked about marriage and kids eight months ago when I was single, partying way too hard and not the least bit interested I would have freaked too.

  But Kade has changed me, actually probably shown me the real me. I am now the Roxy that loves this feeling of contentment, security and the possibility of spending my life with someone and creating a family with them. I need to push this further even though I know I will regret it.

  I ask Kade a hypothetical question.

  “So you are not ready now I get that, and this is just a ‘what if’ okay. Don’t get up tight. What if I fell pregnant and it had to happen faster, I mean accidents happen and if we are the ones for each other, why should it be such a big mistake,” I tell him innocently.

  Thinking he will say, ‘then we would deal with it together we can get through anything as long as we have each other’. But he doesn’t say that. Actually his response scares me.

  “You would have to get rid of it or we would be over,” is what he friggen says to me. His lack of feeling and remorse shocks me to the core.

  I say in disbelief, “So you are saying you would walk away from me and a part of you we had created?” I ask him now with tears in my eyes.

  “Yep, I am not ready,” he tells me calmly with no other explanations.

  I’m suddenly feeling very distanced from Kade. I don’t want to be around him right now let alone on his lap so I excuse myself to the ladies trying to hide my sadness.

  Thank god it’s nearing the end of the wedding. I don’t want to be around smiling, happy people when I feel hurt, betrayed and empty.

  Talk about not knowing someone.

  Who is this guy?

  I pull myself together in the ladies and put on my fake smile, say the goodbyes and we do the archway for Emma and Pete.

  Their farewell song is ‘Time of my Life’ the original from Dirty Dancing. Totally love this song, but I don’t love it one bit tonight.

  Emma’s good bye to me is sweet. “Take care of Kade for us Roxy,” she tells me cheerfully.

  “You know I will,” I tell her and we hug and say good bye.

  After such a beautiful wedding and after a night of drinks

  and dancing I thought we would be ripping each other’s clothes off by now. But all’s fair in love and war right? Fuck that.

  Ebony offers to drop us off at the motel but I insist on a taxi, mainly because I can’t even look at Kade without feeling sick and don’t want them to see it.

  “North Sydney first stop please driver,” I tell the non Aussie speaking driver.

  “Why in the world would you go home?” Kade asks me. Is he fucking stupid, thick, oh no wait he is just a male. He really has no clue as to why I’m upset, no idea.

  “I will talk about it another time but tonight I want to be by myself,” I tell him sternly with my ‘don’t fucking mess with me or I will cut you look’.

  “Okay fine,” he says, winds down the window and gazes into the darkness.

  The next day we need to talk, big time.

  I now have mixed feelings about our so called happily forever after...

  After hardly any sleep and messages and missed calls from Kade, I message him back and decide to meet him at the beach, somewhere open where I can think straight.

  I am sitting on the sand, lost in thought and listening to the waves when he walks up to me and sits down to cuddle me. “Hey we need to sort stuff out first Kade,” I say to him seriously.

  “So you said some pretty hurtful things last night, you would really leave if I was pregnant?” I question him again needing to hear the truth.

  “Look I am sorry I hurt you, it probably came out wrong,” he tries to defend himself.

  “Tell me the truth Kade, if I was pregnant would you stay with me?” I say in a clear, slow voice.

  “Okay well if you want the truth if you fall pregnant don't expect me to hang around,” he declares while sticking red hot pokers into my heart.

  “What a fucked up thing to say!” I yell at him angrily.

  “How could you say that to someone you love?” I question with tears in my eyes.

  “I’m twenty-three years old Rox! I wanna enjoy life, have fun and not be tied down,” he responds in such a serious melancholy tone.

  “Oh so that’s what I am? A tie holding you down, holding you back?” I ask him now fuming.”

  “No don't be silly I love you, just take the pill and don't make me a dad and it will be all good,” he whispers and tries to kiss my cheek but I pull away.

  “Shit happens Kade and if I did fall pregnant which trust me I don't want right now either, but it's fucking nice to know I'll be kicked to the curb and abandoned!” I scream then get up and run to my car.

  I get in and drive off. I totally hate this man right now! So much for sorting things out!

  My mind is racing on the drive home, it’s not because he's not ready for children as I'm not ready either but it's the way he said it. The tone of his voice indicates he is still immature and can't picture a family with me. The harshness of ‘don’t expect me to hang around’ just fucking burns.

  Who says that to someone they love? If I was pregnant it's a part of Kade and I, not some random child, but half him and half me. Yes its fucking responsibility and hard work and I don't want to rush it.

  Just saying if it happened I wouldn't be ‘oh my god we have to abort it’. It's a life, a little soul.

  Does Kade not have a heart when it comes to that?

  Is he that shallow inside that he would walk away from a part of him and the woman he loves?

  Maybe it is just an empty threat to make me use every precaution possible.

  Well it has worked he has scared me. I thought I knew him, I thought we were stronger than that. Every obstacle, hurdle or person that got in our way we would trample with the depth of our love for one another.

  It's just not how I pictured things right now.

  But I can't walk away or say goodbye just yet, he's my world, he is everything to me, I refuse to end it.

  If our road ahead shows dark and dreary misconceptions, then honestly what choice do I have?

  Do I enjoy the good knowing it has to end? Do I put it out of my mind and pretend it’s non-existent? Can I really do that?

  I need time.

  Space.

  Need to think about what the hell just happened.

  Chapter 19

  Did I Say the Wrong Thing

  ?

  Kade

  Well shit, that wasn’t supposed to go like that.

  I’d had a few drinks and ka-pow I say all the wrong shit, my brain goes into overload and world war three starts. I just don’t do well in confrontations and all this baby talk freaks me out.

  What the hell, I am too young.

  I know Roxy now thinks I’m the lowest life on the planet. Well shit I didn’t mean to say I would totally desert her if she was pregnant.

  Through my eyes I’m letting her know that I am not ready to become a father and I want her to do everything in her power to prevent it and stop it from happening.

  I guess that’s why I reacted the way I did. At least now she sees how determined I am to prevent fatherhood from happening prematurely.

  In all honesty this woman is my rock, my shining star and the best thing in my entire life.

  And without admitting it to her a baby with her would probably complete my life and make our family whole.

  I’ve seen it too many times; I have my dream of being a pro surfer and I need to make this a reality.

  I will not let anything stand in my way, and I guess by being blunt and even hurtful I’m trying to make Roxy see that.

  Could I have worded it differently, fucking yes?

  But after a few drinks, my best mates wedding and every man and his dog asking when I’ll be getting hitched I just panicked and over reacted.

  I am twenty-three years old and I want to ma
ke something of myself with my surfing. Buy a house, damn maybe an investment property; travel around Australia and then think about marriage and kids.

  I don’t see what the rush is. If Roxy wants this sooner, then we really need to take a good look at our relationship.

  I don’t want to hold her back and damn I’ve now told her I won’t become a father any time soon. Actually leaving her pregnant and walking away is something I could never do and I would never do, but if she thought that it may just prevent an accident happening...

  I have been messaging her and calling but she won’t respond.

  I don’t want us to be over.

  Can’t we just pretend it never happened, I mean she is twenty-four and happy in her job, wants to open her own studio one day and it’s just not practical with a baby. Surely she sees this.

  The most frustrating part is thinking that she is hurting. That I have made her upset and hurt.

  I promised not to hurt her and I have.

  Finally she sends me a text back saying,

  Just give me space, your words really hurt.

  Now I feel like a bigger idiot. Why did I have to go over the top?

  I am going over there, to fix this once and for all and to fight for the woman I love.

  Chapter 20

  Agreeing to Disagree

  Roxy

  After ten missed calls and seven messages from Kade, I decide to message him back.

  Just give me space, your words really hurt.

  Is all I can manage in my text.

  Does he not realise how his words sliced my heart? He would abandon me in a heartbeat, what does that say about the extent of his feelings. Nothing.

  I am still lying in my bed at one in the afternoon and will be staying here the rest of the day. My bed brings solace and a refuge from a reality that it may be over with Kade.

  I am not ready to say goodbye, but knowing that in the

  future we will part, well it hurts like hell.

  It reminds me of the movie Final Destination. Is seeing other people’s deaths before they happen a good thing, if you can’t prevent it or save them in the future what is the point? The Grim Reaper will find them. It’s about your destiny and fate.