Breaking My Heart Read online

  Right now our future is looking dark and bleak and limited and yet the possibility of ending it is way too raw and crippling to really think about.

  Damn life is never fucking easy or straight forward.

  I think back to my parents and the years they stayed together in a constant battle, disagreements and fights and I don’t want us to end up like that. What if we despise each other for taking away a dream or a desire for something new.

  I hear a knock at the door, shit who’s that? I’m glad that Jemma is home studying for her assessments as I hear her answer it and say, “She doesn’t want to see you, you are an arsehole how could you say that to her?” It’s him.

  “I just need to talk to her and apologise,” Kade says in his gorgeous husky voice. I climb out of bed knowing I must look a wreck and open my door.

  “It’s ok Jem, we need to get this over with,” I say to her and give her the nod to confirm it’s okay.

  “Whatever but I’m here if you need honey,” she tells me giving Kade the evil eye.

  I walk into my room and climb back into bed. Kade walks in and closes the door. I can’t even look at him; his words are still fresh and burning through me.

  “Roxy I am so sorry, I should not have said what I said,”

  Kade tells me sincerely.

  “I really didn’t mean that I would leave you, I am just so scared about parenthood at this point in my life, it was my way of saying let’s just be super careful. I don’t want to be held back and I don’t want to hold you back in life. I love you way too much to actually walk away if it happened baby” he says to me with a sad tone in his voice.

  I sit up, feeling fucking annoyed. “You told me if I was pregnant you would not hang around,” I say to him angrily. “How can you possibly take that back?” I question him accusingly.

  “I love you so much Roxy, it was a stupid thing to say and I guess after a few drinks and stressful day it just came out,” he answers.

  “Well we speak the truth after a few drinks Kade, so it must be true,” I declare.

  “The worst part is that I don’t want a baby either, I am not ready. But in a few years I will be and I wanted that to be special and possibly with you as my husband but now I’m not so sure,” I tell him crying, the tears are flowing and I can’t stop them.

  “Don’t cry Roxy, I am so sorry can we please just forget about all of this, we have the rest of our lives to grow old and settle down, why do we have to rush it and go overboard?” he says to me warmly.

  “I just need some space to figure out if I can forgive and forget those words,” I tell him honestly.

  He puts his hand on mine; the usual spark is there so I squeeze his hand. I love this man more than I ever thought possible. But sometimes love just isn’t enough.

  “I don’t want to give you space, you can’t decide it’s over. This is one stupid fight over something silly. I promise you I love you want you in my life right now and in the future and I will be the happiest guy on the planet if you say we can stay together. Please Roxy?” He leans in and kisses me. It feels amazing, so soft, and tender and I do feel more loved than I ever have in my life. I kiss him back and cuddle into him. Surely I can just enjoy the here and now right.

  I can’t bring myself to let go.

  I pull back and look into his eyes, they always find my soul. He is mine right now. Who the hell knows what the future holds for any of us for fucks sake, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

  “Okay Kade, I love you too and I want to be with you. I will try and move on from this but I’m not promising anything, I want to try though. I love you too much to throw it away,” I tell him from the bottom of my heart. He smiles a shining bright smile and hugs me so tight I squeal.

  “Thank you thank you, it will be perfect I promise. Let’s just have some fun and be young and in love my beautiful angel, Roxy,” he tells me and kisses me.

  I kiss him back and forget about the inevitable. We make love to erase some of the pain and to reconnect in the only way we know how.The next week I only see Kade three times, but I understand the surfing tournament is on Saturday so I don’t whinge or complain , I catch up on some TV shows and even get to catch up on a few hours extra sleep. I really can’t wait for the comp to be over so we can relax and unwind. The build up to any event is always the worst.

  Chapter 21

  The Surfing Tournament

  To say Kade is nervous is a huge understatement; I’ve never seen him like this.

  He has packed, re-packed, and triple checked everything in his sports bag. He is very jittery and on edge.

  I felt him toss and turn all night, finally getting up at four to go for a jog. He was gone over an hour, thinking to myself please don’t wear yourself out.

  I hear him jump in the shower at five thirty while I’m enjoying stretching out on his side of the bed.

  This is one of the biggest days of his life, it determines his ranking for the state, and then it’s onto The World Championships in Hawaii if he is good enough.

  All of the early morning surfs, training sessions, wave

  studies, strategy; it all comes down to today and the three heats he will be in.

  “I’m ready to leave,” he tells me sweetly at six thirty. I know he is meeting the squad and coach for a warm up and pep talk. He comes over and gives me a monstrous big bear hug and tells me, “Bye baby, wish me luck.”

  I cuddle into him and rub my nose along his neck, all clean and fresh smelling nicely of his deodorant and aftershave. “Bye baby, you will smash it, you always do. You’re the best surfer I’ve ever seen,” I tell him really meaning it, not that I’ve been to any other surfing comps to compare though.

  I kiss his lips; they taste of toothpaste; fresh and minty. “Hmm,” I groan and he laughs.

  “You are so distracting Rox, you know that, but it’s helping with my nerves,” he states with a chuckle.

  I kiss him again and try to deepen the kiss, feeling the need to be closer to him, in the best way I know how. I show him love and affection and my proudness for him.

  He pulls back. “I love you baby but if I don’t stop now I won’t be able to and I am totally not turning up late today!” he tells me while smirking.

  “Okay,” I tell him agreeing it would be a bad idea to turn up late.

  “But after your heats your arse is mine hot stuff,” I add and grab his arse as I say it.

  “You got it baby. My arse will be yours,” he answers back ridiculing.

  “Bye Kade, good luck, I love you, see you soon,” I

  announce to him and blow him a kiss.

  I shower and dress in my frayed denim shorts and wear my Rip Curl singlet to match Kade’s Wetsuit. I made the effort to wash and straighten my hair yesterday so a quick brush and spray shine and I’m done. I add minimal make up and lip gloss. Jemma stayed at Tia’s again last night but they are all meeting me there for moral support and to cheer Kade on.

  I jump in my car and head to the event. I am early but already the car park is packed, people are parked on grass, up streets and even on sidewalks. I find a spot finally and head over to the white tent that I know is for Kade’s squad.

  The Pacific Ocean Surf beach at Manly looks amazing. The Esplanade is lined with pine trees, and is usually full with walkers and bike riders but today it is covered in balloons and banners, I look out to the waves and from what I’ve learnt from Kade they are decent.

  There is a huge sign that says:

  WELCOME TO THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN OF SURFING

  SPONSORED BY HURLEY AUSTRALIA

  – AT SYDNEY’S ICONIC MANLY BEACH

  I can see a large stage set up for Bands on the Sand and a few guys are warming up with guitars and drums. There is a skateboarding arena for skaters to show off their skills.

  I notice numerous food stalls are set up and market stall

  selling promotional items, t-shirts, caps and towels, all Hurley, being the sponsor for today.

  “Roxy,” I he
ar a girl’s voice calling out to me. I turn around

  and it’s Ebony and John. “Hey,” I say to them glad they found me before it gets chaotic.

  “How’s Kade? Nervous?” Ebony queries me sounding nervous for him.

  “Yep he is nervous, haven’t seen him since he left home though,” I answer her calmly.

  “Do you think I should go see him or just let him warm up?” I ask her unsure of what to do, maybe he needs to focus.

  “Let’s find a spot at the front first before the crowds take over,” Ebony tells me making sense.

  “Good plan.” We head to the roped off banners and choose the closest spot available.

  We unfold our chairs, though I can imagine standing and jumping from excitement when he is out there surfing.

  Coby’s girlfriend Cassie finds me and sits with us. “I am so nervous for them Roxy, aren’t you?” she asks me frantically.

  “Yep totally but they have talent so I’m sure they will smash it,” I answer her and judging by her smile I know she feels slightly better.

  I decide I will wait to see Kade and if he comes out I will go to him, if not I’ll leave him to his warm up and clearing his mind.

  Chapter 22

  The Day Has Come!

  Kade

  Surfing is like nothing I've ever felt before. It clears my mind, frees my soul and feeds my addiction of the ocean and the waves.

  To find that perfect wave; the bigger, better, higher, more dangerous keeps me on the edge.

  If I miss a day of surfing my clarity becomes fogged, my perception gets clouded.

  I can sum up my feelings for Roxy in the exact same way.

  Today is the biggest day of my life so far, The Australian Open for Surfing, my biggest comp yet and still my thoughts wander to her.

  I'm addicted to her. Her scent of sweet flowers, hair is so soft like velvet; those blue eyes are amazing and draw me in every time. Her perfect lips, pink and plump are made to kiss me. That body is so curvy it should be illegal, rounded in the right places; her arse was made for me to grab.

  Breasts so full and perky they give away her arousal first and it gets me hot.

  It's even the little things like how she wraps and twirls her fingers through her hair when she is tired. So adorable. Her voice and the way she says, ‘Baby’ and ‘Hi’ very raspy and sexy. Instant hard on for me.

  I've fallen so hard and fast, totally in love with her. I do have concerns that eat at me, like her insecurities they worry me. She puts down herself and tells me I’m too good for her. How can she think that?

  A large part of me wants to wake up next to her forever but...

  I look at my parent’s relationship, and I see the boredom in their eyes, there is no passion, their love is gone, and I never see them kissing or affectionate towards one another.

  I don't want that!

  I want more than that!

  When you have been together thirty years, never had other partners or experienced all that life has to offer, and just settle down and get married because it was the right thing, what does that show?

  I don't want that!

  I wanna enjoy being young, having fun, running amuck.

  She is talking about marriage and kids already, way to scare a guy off.

  Roxy was my first but how many has she had before me?

  My mind wanders again. I love her so much it hurts, but what if I realise when we are old and grey that I should have waited, played the field, had more life experiences?

  Part of me wants to talk to Rox about this, but I know she will freak. We just got back on track.

  I don't want her to feel that her past impacts me and that she's too experienced.

  I haven’t mentioned it to Roxy but Pete told me at the wedding the bar tender mentioned he had slept with the hot chick with the blonde hair and asked if she is still single. Fuck, that hurt. How many guys from her past will I run into?

  I'm just confused and my mind is racing, it will pass. I'm enjoying my Roxy, my baby for now. The sex is fantastic! Couldn't be happier in that department. The stuff she has taught me, well damn I’d seen in pornos yeah but to actually try it and enjoy well it's crazy! The positions and angles get me ready to blow after five minutes.

  She makes me feel like a fucking king. Her king. She is my queen. My very naughty queen.

  She can't get enough of me. Between surfing, work & Rox I'm totally exhausted every single night.

  I feel something is going to give though Ever get that feeling that something is about to come crashing down?

  But what it is I can't decide and I can't see me letting go of any of those things. They are all part of my heart, body and soul. When push comes to shove fate will step in and decide for me I am sure of it.

  Why am I thinking about this while I’m warming up for my heat?

  Shit Kade, focus on surfing I remind myself over and over.

  Manly beach is pumping, it looks fantastic crowds are in full swing, bands and skaters, stalls everywhere it is rocking and it’s not helping my nerves. I will have all eyes on me.

  Focus on surfing dude, you are a natural, if you just relax and do your best!

  Mick Fanning is my Aussie idol. His nickname ‘White Lightning' says it all about his talent and speed out there on a board.

  Also Kelly Slater from the U.S. is the eleven times World Champion.

  Damn that’s impressive, if I can make it like those too, I would be the happiest guy on the planet.

  The announcer has the microphone. “WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN OF SURFING AT MANLY’S FAMOUS ICONIC BEACH. IT IS PUMPING HERE TODAY!” he screams and gets the crowd roaring.

  “WE WILL BE STARTING THE HEATS IN TWENTY MINUTES. COMPETITORS PLEASE STAND BY,” he adds very professionally.

  The first heat of the day is starting and I am against four surfers. Corey Willis is one of those four and I know from watching previous comps he is one of the best. He will be the one to beat.

  I’m wearing my lucky wetsuit it’s from Rip Curl black and blue, they are one of the largest Australia surfing brands and easily my favourite.

  I am sure I will end up with a million Hurley items afterwards as they are the main sponsors.

  I have butterflies in my stomach.

  The other three competitors are quite good but it will be me and Corey to the death if I perform like I know I can.

  Let’s do this shit.

  I know the highest points are awarded to manoeuvres that show the highest speed, control, risk and commitment in the most critical section of the wave.

  I have a game plan and strategy so when I get out there on the water I just need to wait and make the decision.

  I am using my Quiver 5'9" round tail semi pro surfboard for this event and I’ve waxed it to perfection.

  I hear the announcer call up the first competitor,

  “FIRST UP COMPETING WE HAVE TYLER BANKS FROM WESTERN AUSTRALIA.”

  The crowd cheers and he runs out waving, and then he makes his way out to the water.

  He does a good job; gets a three foot wave, jumps a small aerial. Judge’s score him a twenty out of thirty, which is average.

  Once again the microphone sounds and the announcer calls,

  “NEXT COMPETITOR IS FROM MELBOURNE, CHAD

  SMITH.”

  He jogs out nodding to the crowd; he seems to be another favourite judging from all of the cheers.

  He does two impressive manoeuvres and scores a twenty-three out of thirty. The judges are hard today that’s for sure.

  I start jumping on the spot knowing I’m next, deep breaths.

  “OUR SECOND LAST COMPETITOR FOR THIS HEAT IS KADE THOMAS, HE’S A LOCAL TO MANLY. HE RECENTLY WON THE OVER TWENTY’S COMP IN QUEENSLAND,” blares the announcer.

  “Woooooo! Go Kade!” Roxy screams and I instantly know her gorgeous voice anywhere. I smile at her and feel calmed just from looking at her face. She blows me a kiss.

  Then I hear Pete and Emma. “Go Kad
e!” I nod to them and my father standing with Ebony. I look to my coach, he gives me the nod and I feel ready.

  I jog down to the water and start to paddle out. I have my leash already attached and I’m eager to go. I need to beat a twenty-three; a simple stand up and straighten out is usually a five, depending on conditions.

  Chad did an extra complete maneuverer completed with two feet on the board so he got two eights and a seven; I need to take it up a notch.

  I start to focus; I need to watch for the highest sections when a wave comes in the horizon.

  I calculate my take off time and speed of the wave, sometimes half a meter or two to my right can decide the fate of my ride.

  If I can get a higher wave, possibly a pipeline being all about the tube and point break, with four or more manoeuvres I’m a sure thing.

  I paddle like crazy ready to make this wave mine.

  I stand up and aim for a front side air reverse. I get up my ample speed from pumping high on the wave face, then shuffle my foot up a bit to widen my stance just prior to lift off, I stay crouched and centred as I’ve trained.

  I lift my board up from the centre of the wave face at a forty-five degree angle off the lip.

  I turn my head and shoulders in the direction of the spin and much like an ollie on a skateboard my board and ride the wave out. Sprays from the water and tricks will get the judges attention.

  It is impressive. I am happy with that.

  I’m paddling back to the sand, ecstatic with my performance. I couldn’t have smashed it any better, seriously feels like it was enough. Now let’s wait and see.

  I grab my board and jog up the shore, I hear cheers and well wishes. “You smashed it Kade!” I hear. “Good job dude,” and, “ I love you Kade,” from a female voice that isn’t Roxy’s. That makes me chuckle, seems I have a few female fans, hope she heard that as will make for an interesting afternoon. I can just imagine her telling the chick to ‘back off he’s taken’ or even ‘he’s mine slut’ ha-ha all would suit Roxy to a tee.

  I spot my gorgeous girl on the other side of the banners; competitors are caged off from the spectators, so I head over to her.