Breaking My Heart Read online

  “Just stop being so immature and stupid Roxy, you are not a slut, you feel something for every guy you have ever slept with, they used you. You’ve built a wall up to protect yourself, it’s understandable,” she tells me honestly. “But sometimes you gotta let someone that might be special behind that wall just to try and see if it works,” Tara tells me straight. It may be callous but the truth hurts. “Yeah sure you might get hurt, but isn’t the feeling of love and being loved worth that much. Just to try. If you get hurt again you just deal with it. Do you want to stay alone forever sweetie?” Tara asks me sincerely.

  “But it’s too late, he’s gone. I’ve hurt him twice he will never forgive me,” I cry out and gasp.

  “Maybe not honey, but if you don’t try you will never know.” She makes a valid point.

  I give her the biggest bear hug ever. I hold onto her and I stand up, not feeling as sick now that my stomach is empty and the dizziness has eased. My head is pounding like I have a sledgehammer trying to break it down.

  I get out my phone and text Kade.

  I am so sorry, I’m a bitch, I’m selfish and I can’t apologise enough. I’ve been throwing up in the bathroom for the last hour so that’s my punishment, I hope it makes you feel a little bit better. I need you to know that this is all new to me. I’ve been hurt and used so many times my walls are up and I guess I don’t really know how to be in a proper relationship anymore. I know I’m a bitch, I don’t deserve it but if you give me one last shot, I’ll give it 110%.

  You are special and sweet and deserve so much better. So just tell me to leave you alone and I will.

  Hope we can talk tomorrow. Rox xx

  Chapter 4

  Women are Crazy

  Kade

  What the hell is Roxy’s problem? She makes me angrier and more enraged than I’ve ever felt in my entire fucking life.

  We met, got along so well and even had a great date. Then she ditches me before I can take her out again.

  I know I’m inexperienced, thank god she doesn’t know just how inexperienced but I’m sure that she can tell. Maybe it’s a real turn off for her.

  I was going fishing for fucks sake and she gutted me callously, then I had to tell the boys who tormented me and gave me hell. All the while I try to pretend that it doesn’t hurt like a knife through my heart. Then to top it off I get no answer as to why she ended it. She won’t respond to my texts, nothing. Just it’s finished. She kissed me like no one else ever has, so hot and amazing, there was passion and the way she pushed against me had me rock hard. Then boom she ends it!

  Thank god I have my surfing, my escape, my oasis. There is nothing better than the ocean and the serenity I find in it.

  Got some awesome waves, gotta get my practice in if I wanna try out for The Australian Open of Surfing in six months.

  So I definitely got the shock of my life when Roxy texted me Friday out of the blue asking me to go with her to a work party. My guard was up; I was still not sure what was going through her mind. I said no at first but then she insists. Shit I feel bad for her.

  And the truth is that I am not over her, with those gorgeous blue eyes, the colour of the ocean, a strong metallic blue. Her long blonde hair that smells so sweet. It feels so soft to touch, like velvet. And the best part is her body is it’s curvy, voluptuous. Damn. I just can’t get this chick off my mind.

  So I’m hesitant but end up saying yes. We get a cab to the party, don’t even get into the building without a loser ex of hers stopping us and being a royal arsehole. Shit she really did have bad taste.

  I just can’t understand it; she is gorgeous, no stunning, no unbelievably beautiful and she lowers her standards to someone like him? How can she not realise how awesome she is?

  So I give this jerk a piece of my mind. I’m seriously close to decking the fucker when Roxy stands in-between us. Then Casanova leaves. I swear if I see him again I will smash him to teach him a lesson on how to treat women. Respect man, respect!

  Poor Roxy is so embarrassed she tells me, “Sorry.”

  “It is not your fault Roxy,” I tell her angry that she thinks she caused it. But she is totally humiliated I can see her face is expressionless, gutted, and even pale.

  The night is off to a terrible bloody start! So in we go and I’m introduced to some girl who I couldn’t give a shit about. All I care about is taking care of Roxy and making her feel secure. Before I even notice she stomps off to the bar leaving me with her work friend. WTF?

  After I escape the chatterbox from hell I head to the bar, only to find her throwing back drinks and flirting with the bar tender. It’s just great. Just throw some logs on the fire... She just doesn’t care. I feel confused, is this the person she really is? Complete disregard for others and their feelings, or is it a learnt behaviour from the idiots who have disregarded her. I see the magic in her eyes, I need to get through some layers and find this amazing woman.

  Ok breathe Kade, breathe. I tell myself. She is upset. I walk up to her, while she is laughing making me feel sick. “There you are, you coming over to the table or are you going to stay here all night?” I ask her, trying to not sound jealous or bossy.

  But that obviously didn’t come out right, as she looks at me with the ‘don’t you don’t tell me what to do’ glare and tells me, “I’m admiring the view here actually.” Well fuck me, that burned, I feel the bile rise up into my throat and feel sick, I have to look down and get away from her. What is wrong with her?

  I go outside to get some air, totally shocked by her rudeness.

  After ten minutes I’ve calmed down and decide to give her one more chance, what do you have to lose I ask myself. There aren’t girls lining up to go out with you, this one is awesome, well really messed up and hard work, but awesome too.

  So I head back in to see her dancing her adorably cute butt off. I hide so she can’t see me and just watch her; she is a hot dancer that body of hers was made to move. Her tight jeans show off her hot and amazing arse.

  Tits are bouncing around just perfect. Then she loses her footing and stumbles and I realise how drunk she really is, I’m feeling glad I came back, realising she just needs to sober up.

  I watch her and her friends head back to the bar so I move towards them, just in time to hear her say, “Three Quick Fucks please sexy Ryan.” She looks over to me, now biting her lip, possibly unsure of her comment. I look into her eyes, trying to gage her drunkenness, looking for that spark that we had. She takes her shot and sculls it down.

  “You are pretty drunk Roxy maybe you should stop, I thought we were hanging out?” I question her, feeling neglected.

  “You aren’t the boss of me, I’m single and having fun and I will drink more if I want,” she slurs back at me.

  I take my chance and whisper in her ear, “You are better than this Rox, have some water and sober up.” She smells amazing and being this close to her I just want to keep her in my life.

  She is like a rebel without a cause though, constantly having her guard up.

  She looks at me and I think I have her back.

  “Okay sure water would be nice,” she admits to me. Then she tops off the worst night of my life by saying,

  “Oh Ryan my hotter than sin bar tender, water over here I’m burning up from your sexiness.” Far out, that didn’t just burn; it cut, ripped and shredded my heart and soul. Ouch.

  I am out now.

  “Bye Roxy, I’m not playing these cat and mouse games with you, I really like you. But you are acting like a spoiled brat. I’m done. Good bye.” I tell her and walk out of her life.

  I get the hell out of there as quick as I can before I turn around and shake her to see some sense.

  I need to stop letting people walk all over me, why am I such a push over?

  My whole life, it’s been my father telling me what subjects to study in school, who to be friends with, what decisions to make. So when I left school at the start of year eleven when he had made it crystal clear I wouldn’t be
leaving, he was less than impressed. Well for fucks sake I have a mind of my own, school work didn’t interest me and I was never going to be a scientist, Doctor or lawyer.

  I left to do an apprenticeship with Elite Builders and I’ve been there ever since, and I love it.

  He has always been negative about my surfing as well so I guess making it pro will be a way of proving how good I really am.

  Roxy treating me this way hurts for a number of reasons.

  I really friggen like her; it’s been a while since I had those feelings for someone, and now my heart has been trampled on. Well honestly I’ve never had feelings this intense and meaningful in my life.

  I jump in a cab, feeling pretty numb now.

  I’m lying in bed when my phone beeps. I really don’t want

  to read some lame drunk message so I leave it. If she adds salt to my open wound it will never heal and leave a scar forever.

  I wake to my phone beeping at eight the next morning, and remember the message I didn’t read. Sure enough it’s from Roxy. Okay here goes the last blade through my chest and then I will demand for her to lose my number and leave me alone.

  I am so sorry, I’m a bitch, I’m selfish and can’t apologise enough. I’ve been throwing up in the bathroom for the last hour so that’s my punishment, I hope it makes you feel a little bit better. I need you to know that this is all new to me, I’ve been hurt and used so many times my walls are up and I guess I don’t really know how to be in a proper relationship anymore.

  I know I’m a bitch, I don’t deserve it but if you give me one last shot, I’ll give it 110%.

  You are special and sweet and deserve so much better. Just tell me to leave you alone and I will.

  Hope we can talk tomorrow. Rox xx

  Okay well there’s that glimpse of the girl that makes my heart skip a beat, her true emotions, her honesty. Her walls are definitely up. Do I want to have to break down those walls?

  Will it be mission impossible, will I get hurt again? Fuck.

  I just can’t resist this woman! As irritating, confusing and frustrating as she is I just can’t resist her.

  I decide to text her back.

  You really hurt me last night Rox.

  She replies instantly.

  I know I didn’t mean it. I am self-destructive, please forgive me? I really like you. It took me a while to realise it, can I see you?

  I will meet up with you, but this is it, it’s your last chance to convince me and not push me away anymore.

  I message meaning every word.

  Okay 3pm at Gloria Jeans in Manly?

  She questions.

  Okay I will be there.

  I write back.

  I need to see her again. I need her to tell me to my face she has feelings for me, all this texting is bullshit. I need her to tell me that she will try to make this work.

  I am willing to start fresh if there is a chance this amazing, beautiful, and intelligent woman can be a part of my life as long as she puts me first.

  I wait in my car until I see her little blue car pull up. I watch her, she checks herself in the mirror. Gorgeous as always but there’s that self-doubt. I want to be the one to erase that. I want to tell her how stunning, sexy, and beautiful she is ten times a day and make her believe it.

  I walk over to her standing on the curb. “Hi,” she says to me.

  “Hi,” I say back to her.

  “Thank you for coming,” she adds adjusting her top and playing with her handbag, she looks a bit nervous for once. We grab a table outside. The waitress comes straight over.

  “What will it be guys?” she asks.

  “I’ll have a hot chocolate please,” Roxy tells her.

  “I’ll have the same please,” I agree. Then the waitress walks away leaving us alone. It is a beautiful afternoon, a slight breeze and the sound of the waves and seagulls breaks some of our tension.

  “How are you feeling today?” I ask her smirking knowing she would feel terrible.

  “Really crap actually but the nurofen is helping,” she replies.

  “I really needed to see you Kade to explain things,” she tells me looking so sincere.

  “I am broken Kade, I need you to know that my walls are up. I’ve been used, played and tormented with, I have trusted before and been hurt and betrayed,” she confesses with sadness in her beautiful blue eyes.

  “I’m not asking you to promise not to hurt me, that’s impossible but if I let you in please be gentle. I know I act hard and tough on the outside, unbreakable even, but inside I’m raw and tender, please give me one last chance?” she says this with so much honesty and emotion. More than I could have hoped for.

  I tell her the words I’ve wanted to tell her for so long.

  “Oh god Roxy, I have genuine feelings for you. I'm happy when I'm with you, you make me laugh, I feel relaxed and I think you're gorgeous, even though you’re infuriating at times,” I laugh.

  “I've never had a serious relationship but if I let you go again, it will be the worst mistake of my life, I can feel it,” I declare to her smiling.

  “Let's try together. I won’t hurt you; I will protect you, give you all of my affection and tell you how beautiful you are, because it’s true,” I add to the confession of my feelings for this sensational woman.

  I see a tear run down her cheek. I move into the seat closer to her and I wipe the tear away with my thumb, then caress her cheek and move in to kiss her. It’s a soft and meaningful kiss that shows just how much I care and how perfect we will be together if we both just give it a go. We look into each other’s eyes smiling and laughing as I put my forehead to hers. Boy, this is what life is all about.

  “I’m so glad you came Kade, thank you for being so sweet and kind. I promise this time I will give my heart to you.” Roxy promises me with wondrous emotion.

  Chapter 5

  Finally On the Tight Track

  Roxy –

  I finally made a good decision in my life to get back with Kade and it has been fucking fantastic! He forgave me and we met for coffee the next day, hangover and all. We had the biggest talk about both of our pasts and have decided that what happened in the past stays there. We are moving on, starting a future together, those were his words.

  I opened up to him, more than I ever have before. But he needed to hear those words, to show him that I do care. I just don’t know if I’m capable of more; like dating, a relationship that kind of thing but by hell or high water I will try, because he is sensational.

  His beautiful and moving words, “Roxy, I have genuine

  feelings for you, I'm happy when I'm with you, you make me laugh, I feel relaxed and I think you're gorgeous, even though you’re infuriating at times,” melted my heart and made me laugh.

  He told me, “I've never had a serious relationship but if I let you go again, it will be the worst mistake of my life.” I couldn’t agree more, there is a connection there for both of us that we can’t deny.

  Then the most beautiful part, “Let's try together”. It made me cry. Fuck an actual tear spilled out of my eye and ran down my cheek. Kade using his thumb wiping it away as he caressed my face then kissing me was the icing on the cake. It was warm, gentle and filled with emotion.

  The time we spend together makes me like him more and more and we have more in common than I ever thought possible. He is so sweet, holds the door for me, holds my hand, lets me make decisions, asks for my opinion and is far from the selfish, over cocky jerks I’ve been with before. I still have a lot of self-doubt and I find myself being too hard and a bitch to him sometimes, but I’m working on it.

  I’ve always found the ‘treat em mean and keep em keen’ method worked in the past with the users and abusers. But I have to remind myself, he is different in so many ways. In so many sensational ways, that’s for sure.

  It’s our second date, dinner this time at a Chinese restaurant. Kade insists on driving again and I agree but I tell him, “I’m not a useless female, I�
�m very independent and I like it that way. So I’m driving next time champ.” Then we both laugh into the phone.

  Kade turns up a half hour early for our seven o’clock booking. I hear him knock and it makes me feel remarkably happy. He is here for me; I smile to myself and race to the door. Opening it up he is there in dark jeans and a blue t-shirt and damn he smells edible.

  “Hi,” I tell him.

  “Hi,” he says back. He leans in and pulls me in for a kiss, taking my breath away with his hunger, he is kissing better and better every time. I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him closer, then deepen the kiss. He pulls back first visibly breathless and flushed. “That was some greeting,” he chuckles.

  I giggle back and say cheekily, “That was the entrée wait till you taste the main course.” He laughs and shakes his head. I think he is very inexperienced and it’s cute, he’s not all macho with the attitude that he can get any girl he wants, and it’s a breath of fresh air honestly.

  “I’ll grab my purse and jacket and then I’m ready,” I announce to him. I’m wearing a purple strappy dress tonight. The weather is still nice so I thought I might make the most of it; not too short, just right. I turn around to catch Kade perving on my legs. “See something you like?” I torment.

  “Maybe I do,” he replies blushing again. I grab his hand and we head out the door. Being the gentleman again he opens his car door for me; I slide into his ute and put on my seatbelt. Then I watch him climb in. He is so masculine, especially in denim; it grabs in all the right places, his crotch looks nice in size that’s for sure. I can’t help but wonder how long I should wait? Do you keep them wanting for weeks? Or after a few dates, I mean I don’t want him to lose interest or think I don’t want him in my bed. Though I’m sure by my suggestions and remarks he doesn’t think that though in the least.

  He looks at me as he does his belt up and I smile then put my hand onto his thigh instinctively. I feel such a need to be close to this guy, I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and damn this is date number two. Well actually more if you count the first two attempts. I feel bad about that I tell you.