Shocked and Shattered Read online

  I swerve to miss him and lose control. My car runs into the gutter and up onto the embankment. My driver side air bag opens, and I thank Christ I used my brakes when I did, or I might be in the front window of the florist I am now in front of.

  Holy shit!

  “Ma’am? Are you okay, ma’am?” I hear a man’s voice calling to me. I turn my head and realise it’s one of the shop owners.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I respond, still in shock from everything happening today.

  “Did I hit the dog? There was a black dog on the road…is he okay?” I ask, now worried for the little dog, even though he caused the damn accident.

  “Yes, he is fine. In a lot of trouble now, though. I saw the whole thing, and I would be happy to write a report for your insurance company,” he says as he opens my driver side door. “Do you think you can stand?”

  “I have a virus. I just came from the doctor so I haven’t been doing too well,” I answer truthfully.

  “Do you have anyone I can call?” he asks, looking down at my wedding ring.

  “My husband is very busy at work. Maybe my friend, Hannah.” I pass him my phone and he looks up her number and calls.

  “Hi, Hannah? My name is Jim. Your friend is okay, but has been in a car accident. Are you able to come down to Hill and Warrick Street?” He’s quiet for a moment. “Okay, great. I’ll let her know. Thanks.” He hangs up and hands me back my iPhone. “Hannah will be here in fifteen minutes. What about your husband?” he questions.

  “I’ll get Hannah to call him, but thanks.” I’d rather not bother him.

  There’s something about accidents. Whether they are big or small, they put things into perspective, like who you would want to spend your last moments on earth with.

  Of course I love Sterling, but I feel us slipping further apart.

  He is going to freak if I have cancer.

  Over the next hour, Hannah arrives, along with the police and an ambulance to check me out.

  I answer numerous questions, and can’t wait until we are driving back to my apartment.

  “Wow, it’s five-thirty. I left the doctor at three,” I say to Hannah, realising how fast the time vanished.

  “Yep. It’s been a long day, sweetie. Thanks for getting me out of work, by the way,” she jokes and winks at me. For the first time today, I laugh. This is what I need in my life, more Hannah’s. “So, what did the doctor say? I can’t believe you are still sick.”

  It feels so nice to have someone concerned about me.

  “Well, I need to have tests done. Could be something,” I respond vaguely.

  “What do you mean ‘something’? Something like what?”

  “Dr. Stewart isn’t sure, but she ordered blood tests, an ultrasound, and a mammogram.”

  “Shit, Crystal…a mammogram? Do you have a lump?” she asks, now sounding worried.

  “Yes. There’s a weird, hard shaped lump, unfortunately,” I tell her, feeling morbid the more we talk about it. “There is a chance it’s nothing, maybe a cyst,” I add and hope to end the conversation.

  “Of course. You probably have a virus, and the lump could just be fatty titty tissue,” she says, making me giggle again.

  “Thank you for making me laugh. I have had a shitty week.”

  “Speaking of shitty weeks, have you told Sterling that you need to have more tests, and that it could be serious?” She’s trying to give me the third degree.

  “Not yet, Han, and I don’t think I’m going to, at least not until I know more. It could be nothing. Maybe the antibiotics will work this time, or maybe the pregnancy test was wrong and I’m pregnant.”

  “What? You did a test without me, ho?” she questions. I can feel her eyes on me.

  “Ha-ha. I had to do something, and wanted to rule that out. You are the first person I’ve told.”

  “God, Crys. What is the point of a husband if you can’t rely on him when times are hard, and especially this stressful for you?” she states the obvious, and her words burn because they are so god damn true.

  “Who knows, but I don’t have the energy to go through the motions with him. Plus, he is germophobe. He is already treating me like I have the plague.”

  “You know you can count on me, right? Rain, hail, shine, sickness or in health, till death do us part? Wait! Maybe we should have gotten married,” Hannah jokes again, and I grin.

  If only time could freeze and I could smile and feel happy forever.

  CHAPTER 4 – Tests & Getting Results

  At eight-thirty, Hannah picks me up for my nine o’clock blood test, followed by an ultrasound.

  “Thanks, hun. I owe you,” I tell her as I climb into her sporty car, still feeling extremely lethargic. The fact that I hardly slept a wink last night is making it worse, but my mind was racing.

  According to Dr. Stewart’s receptionist, I am also booked in for a chest X-ray and a CAT scan, to check my breast foremost, but also to view my other organs and bones inside the chest. The cancer can spread quickly, so the more scans and X-rays on hand to prevent the better. They were her words.

  “Miss Crystal Edgeworth?” a nurse in a tailored crisp white uniform calls out. I slowly stand and Hannah grabs my arm, helping me into the room. “Your friend can come in for the blood test and ultrasound, but not the other procedures,” the nurse informs us, smiling kindly. Her face is slightly wrinkled, but her make-up is pristine, and she is very attractive for her age.

  The nurse finds my vein and fills five vials with my blood. I’ve never had that much taken before.

  Next up is the scan, and it is over relatively quickly. I definitely noticed the circular shadow on her screen, but she wouldn’t discuss anything with us. “Sorry. We aren’t doctors, so we are not allowed to give out information,” she tells me when I ask if everything looked okay.

  “Thanks,” I reply. It’s not her fault. I am just eager for some answers.

  “Next will be your CAT scan, X-ray, and mammogram. We will be checking inside your body for abnormalities or inflammations, anything that stands out. Hopefully, it will be enough. Otherwise, next time you will need to have dye injected. So, lie still. I need to get photos from different angles, so it’s a little time consuming.”

  Two hours later, I walk out and into the waiting room. Looking around, I notice the photos on the walls. They are photos of Islands with beautiful serene locations, turquoise waters, and beaches that look amazing. What I wouldn’t give to be on one of those Islands and have my health back, instead of dealing with all of this.

  Result Time

  Three days later, Dr. Stewart calls.

  “We have your results, Crystal. I have an opening at four today. Can you come in?” It doesn’t sound too good if she can’t talk over the phone.

  “Yes, I can make that time,” I tell her, feeling anxious about what I will find out.

  “See you then.”

  “Dr. Stewart?” I blurt out, trying to ask a quick question, but she’s already hung up. That makes me even more nervous. She hung up too quick, hoping to end our conversation.

  Holy Shit

  “It’s okay, Crys. No matter what she tells us, we will deal with it,” Hannah tells me, holding my hand tightly. She drove over straight away, telling work she would finish up her invoices at home.

  I would be so lost and alone without her right now.

  “Yep, I’ve got this.” I fake my confidence.

  We are sitting in the waiting room by three fifty. There are two other doctors on, so the waiting room is pretty packed. I wonder if any of these people are waiting to hear bad news like me.

  “Crystal?” I hear Dr. Stewart call out. We stand and follow her in. “Come in and have a seat,” she says with a smile.

  “This is Hannah, my best friend. She is here for support,” I state as we take the two seats opposite of Dr. Stewart.

  “Nice to meet you, Hannah,” Dr. Stewart shakes her hand and smiles again. “How about we get these results out of the way,” she s
uggests, pulling out paperwork in front of her. I nod as I’m eager and anxious to see what the hell is going on. “Now that I have your blood work back, the main thing we tested for were certain types of proteins in your blood for cancer markers. CA 15.3 is the certain type of marker that shows breast cancer is present, and it is unfortunately showing in your blood results.” Her voice changes and drops.

  “Shit.” I say the first thing that comes to mind.

  “It’s okay, Crystal. We will fight this,” Hannah assures me. And even if it is a lie, it’s what I need to hear right now.

  “Hannah is right. There are so many options in this day and age,” Dr. Stewart insists. The next part is figuring out what stage the breast cancer is at. They start at 0, and range up to IV. Yours is showing at slightly invasive, so it is Stage IIB advanced, as it is also present in four lymph nodes,” she adds to my shocking and shattering news. All I hear are breast cancer, stages, advanced and lymph nodes.

  Man, that doesn’t sound good at all.

  I think to my favourite movie as a teenager, ‘Untamed Heart,’ with Christian Slater. It’s so depressing. Even though it’s not about cancer, he dies at twenty-seven, and it’s so heartbreaking.

  Is that going to be my fate?

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, but I have to keep going with your results so you know exactly what we are looking at. Next was the ultrasound, mammogram, CAT scan, and X-ray. They all show a tumour is present, and right now, is roughly three centimetres in size. Usually fewer than two is considered non-advanced. So far, it is only limited to one area of your breast and has not spread to healthy tissues inside the breast or to other parts of the body,” she adds. Thank God it hasn’t spread. “I have written you a referral for an appointment with an oncologist, Dr. Liam Grayson. He is very experienced and will discuss surgery to remove the cancer, and look at one or more of the underarm lymph nodes. Of course, chemo and radiation will be necessary.” She finishes off her sentence with those two dreaded words, chemo and radiation.

  My beautiful blonde hair, which has taken me twenty-four years to get shiny and healthy, will all fall out. That part is going to kill me. It’s who I am. Even as a young girl, I’ve never had short hair.

  I start to sob. The tears fall uncontrollably. It is so much information to take in.

  My life is going to change forever, and nothing will ever be the same again.

  Hannah embraces me tightly. “Shhh, Crys, Shhh,” she whispers as we hold each other for the next few minutes.

  I leave the doctor’s office with mountains of paperwork. Some are referrals, some are about tests that I will be having, and reading material about what I should expect. Hannah drops me at home, where I decide to shower and put on my PJ’s.

  “I’m just getting supplies, and I’ll be back in twenty minutes. Any special requests?” she asks me in her caring, subtle tone.

  “Ice cream,” I sigh. Even though I’m still unwell, ice cream makes everything better. Well, it has in the past. I’m not entirely sure about today though.

  I’m dressed in my favourite grey and pink heart patterned pyjamas and on the lounge with a throw when Hannah enters the front door. She took my keys so I didn’t have to get up again. Sterling is at a work dinner and won’t be home until after eleven.

  “Okay. So, I have vanilla and chocolate ice cream, chocolate topping, Hershey’s, and three romantic comedies. Tonight is all about hanging with my bestie and forgetting the world for a while.” Sounds perfect to me. I can’t deal with being an adult any more today.

  CHAPTER 5 – My World Is Crumbling

  I’ve had to cancel my modelling shoots due to feeling sick all the time, and of course because I now have specialist appointments, and possible surgery.

  The modelling agency that I work for, Exquisite Edge, are getting pissed with me. I need to get a doctor’s certificate, but I don’t want everyone knowing or feeling sorry for me. I am not that attention seeking girl.

  Maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones who won’t lose her hair during chemo, and the diagnosis will be much better than first expected. Positive thinking all the way.

  I dial Dr. Stewart’s number and her receptionist answers. “Hello. I’m hoping to speak with Dr. Stewart. My name is Crystal Edgeworth.”

  “One moment please” she tells me as I hear the phone transfer.

  “Hello, Crystal. This is Dr. Stewart…is everything okay?” she asks, sounding concerned.

  “Yes, I’m okay. I am having trouble with my employer, and was hoping to get a doctor’s note, if it’s not too much trouble.”

  “Sure, I can write you a doctor’s note for the next few months. Also, I have started a health care plan for you,” she tells me, and explains what that means.

  “Do you really think I will need a few months off? They will rip up my contract,” I plead and protest. Surely it’s a mistake.

  “I’m really sorry, Crystal, but you will be a very sick woman soon. Once you commence chemo, you will not be able to work, let alone complete day to day activities. Under the ‘Family Medical Leave Act’, your employer must give you up to twelve weeks leave if you are requiring medical treatment,” Dr. Stewart informs me.

  It makes my heart sink. I finally have a job that I love, and now I have no choice but to walk away from it. My dream came true, and now it’s been whisked out from under me.

  CHAPTER 6 – Meeting My Oncologist

  “Good morning, Crystal. I am Dr. Grayson, and I will be with you every step of the way through this journey. Feel free to call me Liam if that helps. I am one of your support people and a friend from today forward,” Dr. Grayson assures me and shakes my hand.

  “Nice to meet you,” I say, faking a smile.

  “Now, I know you are feeling pretty terrible right now, and that is because your immune system is low. The nasty cancer cells are attacking your body,” he explains. It makes total sense.

  “To ensure that we get on top of the cancer immediately, we will have to start chemo next week, if that is okay with you.” That catches me off guard.

  “Um…next week? That is so soon.” Shit. How am I going to explain this to Sterling? He has so much going on at work. I can’t be a burden to him.

  “Yes, it can get complicated as chemotherapy is typically given in cycles. A treatment followed by a period of rest. I recommend six treatments, with a two week break in between. This will give it the best possible chance to start fighting the cancer cells,” Dr Grayson explains.

  “Okay,” I mumble. It is all I can manage.

  “I am sorry to bombard you, as I know it is a lot to take in, but we will need to discuss other options like surgery after the chemo, and a mastectomy as a last result. If we failed to mention it, we recommend you bring someone with you to this visit, to be your support person.” He looks a little concerned as to why I’m here alone.

  “Yes, I know. My friend had to work, and my husband is a very busy man,” I reply, making excuses for Sterling, as usual.

  “Too busy to help his wife through one of the hardest times of her life?” he questions, and the realisation sinks in, which causes the tears to fall.

  If Sterling can’t come next time, I will be bringing Hannah. I can’t deal with being completely isolated.

  “In regards to your first chemo session, a nurse will use an IV as a slow drip, or infusion, through a thin needle in a vein in your hand or lower arm. The nurse will put the needle in when each infusion begins, and take it out when the infusion is done. On the first day, I will examine you, take a blood test to see white and red blood cells, and the nurse will insert the chemo IV. Does that cover any questions that you may have had?”

  “How long does each session take?” I ask, feeling overwhelmed.

  “Roughly two to three hours. I will also give you some pre-chemo meds to reduce nausea,” he adds sympathetically.

  “What are the side effects? I know there can be hair loss.” I question him, worried about my beautiful hair and my dignity. />
  “A few side effects of Chemo can be anaemia, diarrhoea, fatigue, fertility issues, hair changes, infection, memory loss, mouth and throat sores, nail changes, nausea, taste and smell changes, vaginal dryness, vomiting, and weight changes. I hope this answers your question,” he informs me. Who could have known it could cause all of the above?

  “Wow. I’m just blown away by the side effects,” I confess.

  “Take this leaflet and have a good read. It will put your mind at ease for next week,” he tells me as he hands me the pamphlet.

  Chemotherapy for breast cancer ‘Pamphlet’

  Chemotherapy (chemo) is treatment with cancer-killing drugs that may be given intravenously (injected into a vein) or by mouth. The drugs travel through the bloodstream to reach cancer cells in most parts of the body. Chemo is given in cycles, with each period of treatment followed by a recovery period. Treatment usually lasts for several months.

  When is chemotherapy used?

  Before surgery (neoadjuvant chemotherapy): First, chemo may shrink the tumour so that it can be removed with less extensive surgery. That is why neoadjuvant chemo is often used to treat cancers that are too big to be surgically removed at the time of diagnosis (called locally advanced).