Breaking My Heart Page 3

  Would I meet my Mr. Right? My mind set after the last month of nothing but one night stands was screw it, just have fun, enjoy your life, you’re only young once.

  I just hated the way a girl is labelled a slut when they sleep around but a guy is a stud, what a friggen joke.

  We are both grown adults doing the same thing, living in the here and now so fuck it.

  Yep if this Kade guy thinks he can just keep me hanging around he has another thing coming. He can hit the road jack.

  It’s Friday afternoon and Kade has been texting me every day this week. I’ve been very short with my replies, mostly keeping it to,

  Works super busy.

  I’m flat out with my uni work and assessments.

  His last text says,

  Well we are on our way to the river and phone service is crap so I’m sorry if I don’t text you, I will as soon as there is service.

  Why is he telling me this I know that’s code for I’ll be busy

  fucking someone else so don’t interrupt. I may be blonde but I’m not stupid.

  Feeling pissed off and annoyed I decide I’m better than this.

  I text him back,

  Don’t bother texting me later, I’ve decided this isn’t going to work after all, bye Kade...

  Message sent. Shit. It’s a clean break right. So now I’m not going to be wondering who he’s with what he is doing, perfect solution. Or was it? Why do I feel fucking sick?

  That night and two bottles of wine later I stumble into bed. Tia from uni had come over and Jemma was home so we had pizza, movies and drinkies. Woot, woot. I swear if I didn’t have that to keep my mind off of him I would have been texting Kade like a drunken fool.

  The next day is Saturday a rainy day, just perfect for my mood. You ended it Roxy so get over it.

  I’d have to admit drinking is a big part of my weekends. Like last night for example, it loosens me up and gives me ‘Dutch courage’ as they call it. A line of coke don’t mind if I do, Ecstasy tablets have become another weekly binge. I became great friends with a dealer who gives me a discount for the more I buy and all the pills are genuine nothing too trippy or dangerous. They give me an escape, a feeling of euphoria, energy and enjoyment to dance the night away. Music was a huge part of my life Alice Deejay brought out the perfect song

  ‘Better Off Alone’ and yep I really believed it was true. Or did I? At least by being alone I couldn’t break my own heart.

  The day after partying hard is always the worst, hangover

  and withdrawals. My mouth is always so dry, I’m queasy and my emotions run wild, not to mention the mood swings and loss of appetite.

  So of course the weekend I ended it with Kade, way before I had given him a chance was the messiest one I have ever had...

  He wrote back to my text asking,

  Why did you change your mind? Have you met someone else? Do you have a boyfriend? I thought we were both really keen, now I’m confused.

  I don’t text him back. I am a bitch; I hide my phone under my pillow and head out with some friends, a night on the town to forget about another lost boy.

  If only he knew I’d been hurt a lot in the past and I find it hard to trust, maybe he would understand? I think to myself, but then in the same thought I think, grow up Rox, he is a MAN he doesn’t care! Just the way my father didn’t care when he left us.

  I send a text to my regular dealer and get three pills and coke for tonight before I hide my phone back under my pillow. There are ten of us heading into Kings Cross. Safety in numbers, I still use my brain in that department. Especially knowing the state I’ll be in from the drugs, drinking and my mental confusion right now.

  The new club is a hit. The dj is magic. “We are definitely coming here again,” I shout. I am so high right now I’m bouncing around the room. Damn this is good shit. Just what I needed, even though tomorrow will be a nightmare. I’m all about the here and now, freedom and fun.

  A cute guy and his mates join our dancing circle, he keeps staring at me, but I’m just enjoying the music and dancing. And to be honest a certain surfer with a K name just won’t get out of my thoughts.

  My Sunday is the worst I’ve had in a while; we are at the Day Club, the windows are darkened so it still feels like night, still partying till one in the afternoon.

  But afterwards I find myself in bed crying. Feeling sorry for myself and coming off the drugs is not helping, I’m a complete mess.

  Jemma comes in and hugs me. “It’s okay gorgeous Roxy, we have each other and that’s all we need sister.” We stay that way hugging for a few hours. Then decide to watch a good action movie to fucking toughen up. We put on Rocky with Sylvester Stallone ‘Champion of the World Rocky Balboa’. I fucking love Rocky and I instantly think of punching Kade like a punching bag for giving me false hope.

  Just get on with life; this will be my new motto from this day forward.

  Chapter 3

  Desperate and Dateless

  I go about my usual week starting with Monday morning’s weekly office meeting. It always starts at nine thirty which gives me a chance to get in by nine and grab a tea before it starts.

  Boy do I regret Saturday night now. I’m still feeling ill, tired, lethargic, and well just terrible sums it up. The night itself rocked. The new dj still has me impressed and I’ll be spreading the word. I had not pulled an all-nighter like that for a while, when I plan on a messy one I sure do come through on that.

  Thank god I get through the meeting and head to the bathroom. I’m feeling really light headed so I splash my face with some water and feel the need to throw up. Running into the toilet, I just make it. Not much comes out, just fluids, my tea from breakfast, as I’m still in recovery mode, not feeling much like food.

  I lock the door and collapse onto the floor in a heap. Why do I keep doing this? I really really hate it; it’s not good for me. Christ I’m at work and this is totally unprofessional. Thank god there are no cameras in the bathroom. I pull myself together, freshen up and head back to my desk. Swearing to myself I won’t ever do this again.

  I plan on riding out the rest of the day doing the least amount of work possible. If it were any other day I would ask to go home sick, but bosses are smart. They know what wild parties the young ones go to on weekends making them need to call in sick on Monday to recover. I’m not going to risk my job and career, I have used up a lot of sick days this year so it all goes on my record.

  The rest of the week is a blur; I catch up on sleep with early nights and TV shows to keep my mind away from Kade. Jemma is heading away Friday lunch time for a work conference, not perfect timing for me. Her girly company, chit chat and wackiness is totally helping me get through the week from hell. “So have you heard from him again?” she queries on Thursday night in-between the ads as we are watching Grey’s Anatomy.

  “Nope, he won’t message me again. I’m a bitch and he’s better off without me,” I snap at her without meaning it.

  “Well if he was really interested he wouldn’t be giving up on the best girl on the planet now would he?” Jemma adds, making me smile.

  “Thanks love,” I tell her and blow a kiss her way as I head to bed. Sleeping is my escape from the real world and my bed is my favorite place at the moment.

  I feel really alone when Jem is away with work, the girls aren’t in the mood for going out and I have a work dinner tomorrow night. I desperately try to think of who can I get to come with me as I scroll through my phone contacts.

  I see the name KADE and I freeze. I am in so many minds

  about how it ended. Did I do the right thing? What if it actually could have become something and I threw it away?

  Feeling sick to my stomach, I keep scrolling and can’t find

  a single person who I’d want to take besides those already unavailable.

  Before I know it I’m sending Kade a message.

  I’m sorry for the way things ended I know I’m a bitch, friends?

  A ten minut
e delay before he texts back.

  Of course we are friends and you are not a bitch.

  He makes me smile with his sweet words and forgiveness. For the first time this week, I friggen smile and it feels unbelievable.

  Hey listen I have this work party tomorrow night and it’s probably weird but I was wondering if you wanna come with me, just as friends?

  I text and send without really thinking about it properly. He messages immediately.

  Probably not a good idea.

  I instantly feel bad, he doesn’t sound over it, so why do I keep pushing? Or maybe he realizes it was going nowhere and is happy to be free.

  But of course because I’m selfish and I’m only thinking of myself I keep on texting him.

  Oh please I promise just as friends, it will be fun, food and drinks provided.

  I feel myself begging but can’t stop.

  We can get a taxi, Jemma is away and the other girls piked. Please.

  I add pathetically.

  Well, now I feel bad, if you insist I will come, it does sound appealing free booze and food.

  He writes back and I smile immensely, I can feel my cheeks hurting before I text him back.

  Excellent, can you be here at six thirty?

  My phone beeps within two seconds.

  Yep sure see you then.

  Feeling content I collapse on the lounge to watch sexy Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black, a definite favourite of mine.

  I’m trying to figure out what to wear tonight, a few of the girls from the office have texted to say just jeans and dressy tops; it’s a dinner with a DJ and a bar. But I still want to look sizzling.

  I’m starting to feel queasy about Kade coming, why did I insist? I broke up with him, why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? He was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I threw it away because of a misunderstanding. He really did go fishing that weekend, I may have stalked his Facebook page and saw the photos and tags, in the middle of nowhere and he had me breaking up with him before he left. He must have got crap off his mates. Bitch, that’s definitely what I am.

  I answer the door to Kade at six thirty sharp, he looks impressive all dressed up, handsome and hot... damn.

  He’s wearing a black collared shirt with dark blue jeans. His shirt is unbuttoned just enough to see some chest hair, light blonde I notice, hmm I wonder if his hair is that colour in his pants. Roxy you naughty girl! I curse myself in my head. His dark blue jeans are tight around his butt and in the crotch, just how I like them. Remember Roxy, you ended it you are just friends stop thinking of him like that.

  “Come in, I’m just about to put on my shoes,” I pant feeling hot and bothered from seeing him look so edible.

  “You look stunning,” he tells me catching me off guard.

  “Oh thanks,” I respond and give him a raunchy smile. I slip on my sexy cobalt blue heels, that look great with my skinny jeans and black halter neck top I’m wearing. I have blue dangly earrings that match my shoes and my hair is slicked and straight.

  I bend down seductively to check something on my shoe and purposely show him my cleavage. Kade looks away. Wow that has never happened before. Is he being a gentleman, well hell to that?

  It looks like I am now a bad influence on the good boys. Well let me rephrase, I was once a good girl till the bad boys turned me What was that song, Blair from Gossip Girl sang? “Good Girls Go Bad” I start humming. Actually the bad boys shattered my heart numerous times and just used me as the Fun Time Girl. I have come to learn: ‘If you give it up so easy no guy will want you for a girlfriend, just as a plaything. I guess I need to learn to say no. Ok enough about the serious shit. Let’s focus on the fun.

  I grab Kade a beer out of the fridge and a cruiser for me. “Thanks,” he says. As our fingers touch I feel that same definite spark. He bites his lower lip, adorable. He obviously felt it too. What I would do to that lip, oh the possibilities... Enough! I yell at myself. I need to chill, so I scull down my cruiser. It is so easy to drink, and refreshing. I go and grab another out of the fridge. Tonight may get messy.

  Half an hour later we arrive by taxi at the Sports Club, Kade climbs out first and reaches back in to help me with his hand, then stops. His expression seems puzzled, he jerks his hand back and it shows he doesn’t know whether to touch me or not since I’d said we were just friends.

  I hear my name in the distance, which totally throws me off as it’s a male’s voice that I have heard before.

  “Well if it isn’t Roxy Thorne,” says an all too familiar voice.

  “Hi Chris,” I say to him annoyed. He’s one of the tools I wasted six months of my life on. He is clearly plastered and he hugs me way too tight. Then he notices Kade. Just great, exactly what I don’t need tonight.

  “Oh sorry dude not cutting your grass, been there done that, like the rest of the guys in here.” He brags to Kade while laughing.

  “Show some respect,” Kade yells in his face. Chris takes a step into Kade.

  “Get outta my face bro,” he shouts back. He always was a

  messy drunk, so I step in between them really embarrassed.

  “Go home Chris,” I plead with him. He looks at me, then at Kade.

  “Just leaving sweetheart,” he replies with that arrogant voice of his. Then he walks away.

  Fuck, could that have gone any worse? I look at Kade. “I’m so sorry, Chris is a jerk! I wasted six months of my life on him and nothing’s changed,” I tell him feeling humiliated.

  “It’s not your fault Roxy; he was drunk and yes he seems like a real jerk.” He looks at me sympathetically.

  “Let’s go in and find your work friends,” he says. So I smile still feeling super embarrassed.

  I walk with him into the room, once again feeling comfortable in his presence.

  I’m greeted by our officer manager Neeta. “Hey honey, you look amazing, who’s your friend?” she asks me.

  “This is my friend Kade, this is Neeta she is the manager in our office.”

  “It’s Nice to meet you Kade.” She smiles a somewhat flirtatious smile at him. Great, now he is going to pick someone up and I’ll be leaving alone.

  “I’m heading to the bar, want a beer?” I ask Kade somewhat sarcastically. I swear I give myself whiplash with my mood swings.

  “Yeah sure,” he answers with a confused expression.

  “I’m sure Neeta won’t mind keeping you company,” I add

  smirking.

  At the bar I start chatting to the bar tender Ryan is his name. “I’ll have a double Bacardi and coke and a cruiser please oh and a beer.” I order and think man Ryan is cute and chatty and has a great arse that I’m enjoying watching when he gets me a cruiser out of the fridge.

  Time flies and I think I’m up to my sixth drink now. But who is counting.

  Kade comes up to me. “Are you going to come over to the table or stay at the bar all night?” he questions me with a puzzled look on his face. Almost like he is trying to remind me that I asked him to come tonight.

  I am half drunk and try to make him jealous so I immaturely tell him, “I’m admiring the view here actually.” Shit. His face just dropped like someone died, he shakes his head and walks off. Why did I say that, my walls are up, I’m destructive and definitely a bitch. But I can’t seem to stop it or control it. He heard what Chris said about all the guys being with me so why should it surprise him what I said.

  “Ryan, I need a shot,” I say to him seductively. Wise move or not I’m sure I will feel better, numb.

  I down my shot and look around for Kade, I can’t see him anywhere. I see Sheree and Tara on the dance floor so I dance my way over to them. Man am I drunk, it’s hitting me now that I’m standing up and dancing, well trying to dance.

  “Where have you been girlfriend?” asks Tara in her usually bubbly voice. “That hot guy you were with went out to get some air,” she declares. “By the look on his face I think he’s jealous of you and the bar tender,” she adds laug
hing. “Why are you throwing away a good thing Roxy?” she continues on not sure of my motives. I’ve been asking myself the same thing for weeks.

  But I’m not good enough for him, he deserves better.

  Trying to ignore the question and my thoughts I yell, “Let’s get some shots girls!”

  “Yeah,” they chant and we head to the bar.

  “Three quick fucks please sexy Ryan,” I say just as Kade walks up next to me. Great that’s probably not the best thing for him to hear.

  “You are pretty drunk Roxy maybe you should stop, I thought we were hanging out tonight?” he questions me somewhat angrily.

  “You aren’t the boss of me, I’m single and having fun and I will drink more if I want,” I slur back at him.

  He whispers in my ear, “You are better than this Rox, have some water and sober up.” I feel his warm breath and the way he called me Rox makes me wild and turned on. But somehow it turns to anger.

  “Okay sure water would be nice,” I admit to him. “Oh Ryan my hotter than sin bar tender, water over here I’m burning up from your sexiness,” I say spitefully and look to Kade. Fuck. There’s that look again. Showing me he is hurt and humiliated by my words.

  “Bye Roxy, I’m not playing these cat and mouse games with you, I really like you but you are acting like a spoilt brat. I’m done. Good bye,” Kade says as he kisses my cheek and walks out the door. Ouch. Fuck, shit. What is wrong with me?

  Ok well now I realise I’m really drunk, I scull the water and the room starts spinning, oh no, I run to the bathroom and I make it just in time. I throw up in the toilet for the next hour, I deserve this punishment. I’m sitting on the cold tiles while Tara holds my

  hair, giving me water. I start crying.

  “I am staying in here till the big bosses leave, they will sack me for sure,” I say through tears.

  “Oh Tara, what the fuck is wrong with me?” I ask her. “Why can’t I be normal, date a normal guy, feel secure and forget my past?” But how do I move on when every male I know abandoned me and my mother...